Friday, September 21, 2007

Vegas

**Someone has already copy and pasted the orginal post for the world to see so I guess I might as well repost. I'm being wishy-washy today!! I am not ashamed of my honesty. What I said was being twisted a little and I was being accused of things that I did not do. It just turned into a mess! :) I just wanted it all to go away so I deleted the post. Before you read this just know that I did not cry in the banquet room! The only person who saw my tears was my sister. I was not a sobbing mess. I just simply let my emotions out and cried a little in the bathroom and in our hotel room. I figure the damage of this post is done so...here it is, again.

"When you engage in a work that taps your talent and fuels your passion--that rises out of a great need in the world that you feel drawn by conscience to meet--therein lies your voice, your calling, your soul's code.
Stephen Covey, The 8th Habit

Tuesday night we all attended the keynote speech by Stacy Julian (who is hilarious by the way.) and this was a quote that flashed across the screen. I read it and got chills. I read it and thought to myself I'm on the right path.

I'm just going to be honest. That is all that I know to do. If I can make it through this without crying it will be shocking. So far anytime I have talked about the outcome, I have cried. Maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Maybe I'm a sore loser. Maybe I didn't realize how much I wanted it, until I lost.

I am crushed.

I would assume that any person that wants something so badly would be crushed. The title, the money, the "celebrity" aspect wasn't what pushed me to enter or even compete. What was fueling my fire was the feeling that I was doing exactly what I should be doing. I felt that within this was my voice, my calling, my soul's code.

Before I go any further I do want to say congrats to the winner, Elizabeth. I didn't get a chance to talk to her as much as the other girls but from the time I did get to talk to her she seemed very nice. She will fill the role well and I'm sure the next year is going to be exciting for her. Again congrats on a job well done.

The day of the announcement I was surprised that I wasn't nervous until it was time to get ready. Right before Stacey and I left our room to head to the banquet I got a text message from Mike - "I just wanted you to know that I love you and I'm so proud of you." It was very comforting to know that although he wasn't there in real life, he was in thought. He later told me that he was nervous too.

When we got to the banquet room I was feeling that nervous knot in my stomach. They had set up the room so nicely with each of us finalists having our own table with our picture and a sample of our work. We ate a really nice dinner...well, I should say everyone else ate a really nice dinner because I could only manage a few bites of mine. I was getting so nervous at this point.

We were each asked to come up to the stage, one by one, and talk with Lisa Bearnson. I had no idea we were going to be asked to that...the nerves got ten times worse. When it was my turn I was surprised at my calmness when I got on the stage. I felt like I just stood up there and had a good chat with a friend. Ali Edwards was awesome and gave me some very nice words of encouragement when I walked off the stage.

When it came time for the announcement of the winner, my heart was beating so hard I thought it was going to burst. When I saw that it wasn't my picture or my name on the screen I was nervous again. How was I going to make it through the rest of the evening and not cry? How was going to make sure that everybody only saw my happiness for the winner? Well, I didn't do a very good job and I know that. I tried so hard to put on a happy face for Elizabeth but I know that my smile was shaking.

They asked us all to gather around for a group picture and about 20 camera flashes were going. I was thinking I had to get out of that room. I was going to cry any second. I know I did not look good in those pictures. I was biting my lip trying as hard as I could to keep in all inside. After the pictures I walked over to Stacey and said "I'm going to cry." and there the tears came. She pushed me out of the room and I went in the bathroom. I'm so mad at myself that I cried. I know I had to have looked like a sore loser and a baby, and I am ashamed for that. I've always been a sensitive person and it was too hard not to take it personal. I made my way back to the room and was embarrassed. I was the only one that had to leave the room. My hope was that everyone just thought I needed to use the restroom. I don't think they did. Brian Tippetts, the editor-in-chief, made his way over to me, hugged me, and said "You should be very proud of what you have accomplished." His smile was comforting and what he said was right. I've had an amazing last few months and I'm not going to forget that.

For the rest of the night, (Not at the banquet!!! In the privacy of my hotel room!!) I cried anytime I talked about it. I couldn't even call Mike to tell him the news. I sent him a text message that said, "I lost. I can't talk about it right now." Two hours later, I called him and cried again. I was starting to feel like Amber on Big Brother...and I couldn't stand it when she cried! Thank goodness this wasn't a reality show...the general public would have hated me! :)

So now it's all over and I just have to move on from it. There's nothing I can do. I put everything I had into my entry, article, interviews and work. It wasn't what they were looking for and I'm okay with that now. It doesn't mean that I should give up. When something like this is over and you are still determined and passionate about it, why would you give up? Maybe something else is in store for me and I looking forward to find out what that might be.

I'm not posting this for pity or sympathy. I just simply wanted to tell my story. Writing about things, good or bad, has always been my way of getting things out that I can't say. Writing and scrapbooking have become my therapy. I feel ten times better just by writing this blog entry! (Even though the second half of the trip wasn't the greatest, the first part was and I'll share that with you all soon!)

Thank you so much to everybody's nice comments and support throughout the contest. It was so nice to come home to that and it really made me feel better.

37 comments:

Nicole said...

It is totally OK to cry! You shouldn't feel badly at all, there are a lot of emotions attached to this contest!

Janis said...

Hey, I'm a cryer too. I often wish I had the ability to hide my emotions but they're usually on my sleeve for all to see. At any rate, I was pulling for you, thought you had a great chance, and feel your disappointment. Hang in there!

scrapinmo said...

I'm not a crier and wish that I was. Don't ever regret how you feel about things. Allow yourself the time to regroup and if that means crying, go for it. You are amazing!

Leslie Keithley said...

Ali, it's perfectly okay to be upset & even angry with yourself. You're only human! Your work has touched & inspired so many lives & that's one accomplishment know one can take from you. Try to look at this a new bridge into your life. We all have a unique plan that is laid out for us. We don't always know what it is or even why this path was chosen for us. All you can do is hold your head high & let life lead you down your chosen path. Remember, you gave it your all & that's all you could've done. Everyone who knows you is very proud of everything you have accomplished this year. I feel God has a biggger & better plan for you. I know he does. You're a very talented person & not many scrapbookers can say that their a Hall of Fame member as well as a SOY finalist all in one year, but YOU CAN! Take care.

Anonymous said...

I applaud you for being so honest about this. I'm sure you weren't the only one there that felt like crying.

FWIW, I love your scrapbooking, I think you are amazing.

Kelly Goree said...

I completely respect you for laying your feelings out there on the line, Ali - I'm very sensitive and take things personally as well and understand those emotions too well.

Keep at it girl :)

fat and scrappy said...

Be proud. You did a courageous thing even entering a major contest. All I can ever do is talk about it. No shame in crying. It was a very emotional night and the drama of the suspense got you. Cry away girl. Again, be proud of what you did accomplish.

Anonymous said...

LOVE LOVE LOVE Your honesty !!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

BRAVO! It is so refereshing to see someone as candid and honest as you are with your post. I applaud your honesty and thank you for sharing you feelings. You Go Girl.....for "keeping it real". Best wishes to you during your HOF year.

Samantha said...

It's okay to cry!! Quite honestly, I doubt I would have been able to hold back any tears. I really appreciate your honesty and candor on this subject. Your work inspires me to be a better scrapper, so you go girl! Keep those great LOs coming, and have a fabulous time being a HOFer 2007!!

Anonymous said...

I love your honesty. I would have been crying too. But your work has been so inspiring to me and I've been trying lots of new things because I've seen how it works on your pages. Keep up the fabulous work!!!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rock'nmama said...

Girl please! YOUR a HOF!! Soy psssh! I think you are one flan-flipin-tastic artist!

;)

Amanda said...

Why, why, why did you change your original post!!! It was the most honest, heartfelt thing I have read in the scrapbooking world recently.

:(

Kodi Logan said...

ok, where did this post go? i had been checking 15 times a day for your first post after the contest and some how i missed it. SHOOT! sounds like it was an awesome post! is there anyway you can repost it?

guess who said...

Ali, I was impressed by the honesty of your first post, only you have had the courage openly express how the contest affected you.
Many times I believe people forget that for each contest they run along with the winner [with it chosen subjectively based on the judges views] those who are not chosen are left to deal with the disappointment.
All the hype and PR that the surrounds these contests may benefit the companies who run them, but it often leaves the contestants emotionally drained.
Please do not allow this one single episode to effect you. Know that your art, craft is in class of it's own- as are you.

Anonymous said...

It's okay to be upset, your work is great and so are you, that first post showed everyone how much your work means to you, I'm sorry you felt a need to take it down.

Gaby said...

OH I loved your original post! So honest! :(

You're a winner! Congratulations for the HOF and SOY!!! I love your work!

Hugs!

Anonymous said...

I, like the others felt the first post was the "more" honest one. I was surprised when I logged on today and it was gone--what happened. It's okay to be honest with your feelings, even if it's not the popular choice. You are amazing and no matter what the judges said you are a SOY in my book!

joscelyne cutchens said...

I am sorry that I didn't get to read your original post. I want you to know I love your work and think you are a super star!

Anonymous said...

I totally know what it took, and been there myself. It's okay to be upset, and to cry. Then you wash your face and walk out the door and live your life to the fullest and take chances.

Adversity has a way of polishing people up, not just grinding them away.

Keep going. You have lots of company and lots of cheerleaders.

Jennifer Schmitt said...

Your original post was wonderful and I'm glad I was able to read it before you decided to remove it. It was so honest and real. I began to tear up just reading it.

You have accomplished so much and should be so proud.

Leah said...

I just want to say that I REALLY admire your honesty and I'm so glad you reposted this. There is absolutely no shame in being upset. It's only natural to feel that way and I would wonder about any of the contestants that didn't feel the same way as you. You were just brave enough to be honest about it. And I can tell that you are genuinely happy for Elizabeth. I'm so sorry some people felt the need to twist your words.

You do beautiful work!

joscelyne cutchens said...

I still think you are a super star, and like all the rest, really appreciate your honesty. It is really hard not to take it personally when you invest your whole self and heart into your work and you are not chosen.

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
I hope you have had your luggage delivered by now?

Allison Davis said...

Thank you all so much for the nice comments. I didn't realize that I might be doing harm by posting my story of the evening. I sure as hell didn't think it would be grounds for being smacked. My sister and my husband have both told me numerous times that I have got to get some thicker skin. I think today I did. :)

Today was my first day to post on the smack blog and it was to defend myself. I'm sure no one is going to believe that since it is anonymous, but it's the truth. It's really frustraiting to be accused of something you didn't do and I'm sure it doesn't matter what I say. I'm still going to get smacked.

My Mom used to beat into my head the Golden Rule ( treat others as you wish to be treated yourself ) and it used to annoy me so much! I'm pretty sure I rolled my eyes each time she said it!(Sorry Mom!) Well I guess her constantly repeating it worked because it is the exact reason why I don't post (yes, I read it) on the smack blog. I could never post mean comments about someone for the world to read. It's just not something I can do. Believe it or not, it's just not me.

Again, thank you so much for the encouraging words!

Joscelyne - I must have written my new blog post when you were writting your comment!! Still no luggage!!! ahhhhhh!! :)

La Tonya said...

So impressed by your honesty and I know exactly how you feel. Crying's good for you:) And who wouldn't be disappointed? Your work is great and you should be very proud!

La Tonya said...

So impressed by your honesty and I know exactly how you feel. Crying's good for you:) And who wouldn't be disappointed? Your work is great and you should be very proud!

Latrice said...

Hey Ali!! I just wanted to tell you thank you. Thank you for being true to yourself and not holding back your feelings. Anyone who wants to critisize you for being you is not right. I'm sure other people have felt the same way and don't want to say anything becuase of what people might say. This is why we love you. You put everything you have into this. Keep up the amazing work. You've got me on your side!!

the scrappy chic said...

Ali, I would have cried too, and I'm not even a crier. Don't beat yourself up over it. Your work is beautiful, and more importantly, so are you:) Bug hugs coming your way!!! And what is the smack blog???

Holly said...

Allison, I did a google search and found this retarded smack blog that you mentioned. It seems like a space for people, that must not work or have anything better to do, to voice uneducated opinions, curse at one another, and slam each other when they have no right to talk. There wer a few positives mingled about. But, I hope you don't read it too often. Those that care about you will post on YOUR blog and the rest is simply worthless. I totally agree with your mom! Steer clear of that garbage, enjoy your family, or make some more great pages! :)

Liz said...

I cried and I wasn't even a finalist! I am so very happy for Liz, but deep down in my heart I was rooting for you and Noel because I know you both. I am so happy that Brian was able to catch up and affirm you that you are incredible! You still rock the cardstock in my book, and obviously I am not the only one who thinks so! I am not to sure what exactly happened with your original post, if you'd like email me and tell me but you don't need to answer to ANYONE! your emotions are your own and there is no need for any explaination. Anyone would have been justifiably emotional if they would have been under the same scrutiny and pressure as you were,and I am sure that the other eight ladies who were finalist didn't go home and so, "oh well!" I am sure they shed a tear or two themselves. Get a good cry out, you deserve it for all that you did and all that you have worked for.

So forget the losers that have nothing in life to be happy about but to bring down others, they will not change and all you should worry about is that YOU stay true to who YOU are, and not let the opinion of someone else eat at you.

YOU ROCK!

~Liz

Liz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kristi Smith said...

I am glad you put it back up!

I still can't believe Dick won Big Brother! =)

Rock'nmama said...

Okay, I had not read this entry before...WTH? I missed the part about how emotional you were. ALI, I totally understand you. I am the biggest emotional freak out there. I think you did great to hold it together. I seriously...would have been sobbing ON STAGE and I know myself...it would look ugly.

I think you are one awesome artist. I will say it again....I love your work and adore your personality that shines through it and this blog. Thank you. You show me that you are human and this hobby is more than being "famous". You are so sweet!

Pamela said...

This is an old post and you may never even read this comment--but I LOVE your work...and I just know that I would love you in real life too (you seem a lot like myself).

And what in the world is a smack blog? Why do people insist on being mean? I am so sorry that you had to deal with that.

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