Monday, November 14, 2011

worth it


I bet you didn't know that I was a smoker. I always hid it from people. It's a horrible, embarrassing habit that sadly I relied on for coping with stress and anxiety.

For as long as I knew him, my dad was a smoker. When I was little I hated it and asked him several times to quit. Even when I became a smoker, (and was naive enough to think I could quit anytime I wanted), I still begged him to quit. Especially after heart attacks, bypass surgery, and a close call with leg amputation.

He never did quit. Instead his body quit on him.

Still to this day I think about those times that I pleaded with him to quit smoking and he never did it. So many questions plague my mind. Why didn't he think about what the most likely outcome would be if he didn't stop? Why didn't he want to be as healthy as possible? Why wasn't his daughter asking him to stop enough?

That's why when Drew asked me to stop smoking I immediately told him I would. And I did. I don't want Drew wondering why him asking me wasn't enough. I wanted Drew and Jackson to know that they were worth the struggle. Plus, I'm enjoying my new smoke free life for myself too! (My new way of coping with stress and anxiety? Designing sketches. I've made over 100 in just a few weeks!)

Today,  I told Drew, "I haven't smoked in 15 days!" He replied with a very sweet and heartfelt, "Thank you" and a big hug. He caught me off guard. His cute, little six-year-old brain had no idea what he had done for me.

It is me that owes him a "Thank you."

21 comments:

snapdragon said...

Good for you!!!! I've never been in your shoes, but I have heard from friends that it is the hardest best thing you can do. I just want you to know that there are readers who are on your side. Hang in there- your sweet boys are totally worth it- and so are you!

Kay said...

This just made me cry. What a sweet boy you have. What a wonderful thing you are doing for your children and for yourself! I know it's hard. I have been there and sometime it can feel like the hardest thing ever but it will be worth it. You can do it. Just think tomorrow it will be 16, then 17 and soon you will lose count. Consider me a cheerleader for you from out here in the blogospere.

Anonymous said...

Although I'm not a smoker, I was very inspired by your post. What an accomplishment! :)

dawn said...

aaaaww Allison, your making me cry here this morning. Hope you can feel the BIGGEST SQUEEZE HUG I'm sending you right now. Congrats on doing this and for the reason. I also begged my mom to quit smoking all my childhood also. I hated it because she would always say back off or watch out for the ashtray, anything that kept me from standing or sitting close to her. She doesn't know the pain it caused me and sadness. She still sneaks and smokes when we aren't over.

Good for you doing this for yourself and for your sweet boys. You are showing them a life without smoking for when they are older too and that's a good thing. IT will be a long hard journey but you have all of us on your side cheering you on girl!!! Take it one day at a time and hooray for more sketches to keep you busy!!

It took a lot of guts to admit that here to us and makes me love you even more!! Enjoy the new healthier you and healthier heart your going to have and all that energy to run after your boys.

love and big hugs and lots cheering,
Dawn

LauraJ said...

Just wanted to say good for you! You've done a good thing and for a great reason, your sweet boys!

Scrapthat said...

CONGRATULATIONS ALI!!! WTGG! :D

Kelly said...

wow! Congrats. That is a huge hurdle to overcome and I love that you remembered asking your dad to quit and the pain felt from your mom both putting the smoking before you. You have conquered a beast, became a model for your child as well as put health first. I just bet that you'll inspire somewhere here in blogland as well! oh my, can't wait to see the new sketches!

Lynette said...

Congrats on 15 days smoke free. You are a special mama to do that for your two little boys;-)

And we can't wait to see the sketches you created.

Shari Thurman said...

Such an inspiration. Thanks for sharing this. Most of us have a vice we need to deal with. I'm so happy for you. It takes a big person to struggle through it.

Jenn said...

I am reading this in class and I am sure the people around me are wondering why I am crying! This is so wonderful and I am so proud of you! What a sweet sweet story! Congrats and I wish you all the success! Happy Sketching!

Jill Sarginson said...

A huge congrats to you Allison - this is a MAJOR accomplishment!! :)

I remember coming home from school and asking my dad to blow smoke rings (inside of each other at that!). I thought it was so cool and then ... I remember finding out about what smoking does and I came home and bawled and cried and begged him to stop. I remember telling him about Smokey the Bear (as if he didn't know the risks) ... he never fully stopped but he did stop smoking in the house and around us.

Years later, he suffered a heart attack. He was airlifted to a major heart institute and his life was saved. He is still with us today ... and for once, I think he has finally stopped smoking. :)

You have made the right decisions - for the most beautiful reasons.

Good luck - it will be a hard journey but hard times don't last, strong people do.

Hugs.

Melissa Elsner said...

Way to go lady! You have some awesome motivation there too. And I fully support your new addiction... Ha!

Carolyn Wolff said...

Way to go Allison! I think you are doing the right thing for your kids and for yourself.

Scrapbook Generation said...

Just a slight correction to an earlier comment...this is Ali's mom, and I've never been a smoker. However, I've been a world-class nagger, with Allison's father, with MY dad, and with Allison. My dad tried to quit so many times, and just never was able to. As a result, he died from congestive heart failure brought on by smoking. Glad Drew has been successful where I wasn't! -- Debbie

Julie B said...

Way to go Allison!!! Quitting any habit is hard; quitting smoking is REALLY hard. Both my grandparents smoked for 50 years and finally quit after my grandfather had heart surgery. My grandmother later told me that three things helped her get that monkey off her back: drinking LOTS of water (I have no idea why), going for a walk with her morning coffee (which is when she would usually start her smoking for the day) and having a partner to quit with. I wish you the best of luck. They say it takes 30 days to break a habit, so you are half way there!! You can do it!!! Oh, and thanks in advance for all those new sketches...can't wait to see them!!!

Amy said...

Good for you!! I have never smoked and never wanted too because I have seen first hand what it can do so I have no idea what it is like personally to make that decision or overcome that struggle. However, I have witnessed the struggle my father has had with his chewing tobacco and no matter how hard I try..he still does it. I know it weighs on his heart and I am still praying he will be strong enough to overcome it. I am saddened that something so insignificant could one day take him from me and my boys..who worship their papa. I am so Happy for you and your boys because this is something that could change your life (and theirs) in ways you may never fully know..but this lets them know how important they are to you. And that is AWESOME in my book! Praying it gets easier and easier for you!

dawn said...

Debbie,

It was so nice to see your words here also. I'm so glad Drew is making the difference in your family right now. I'm sure all those you've lost are looking down on that sweet boy and smiling and proud of him. Sorry it took this long for you to get what you asked for, but it's WORTH IT!!
hugs to as well,
Dawn

Lisa G. said...

Congrats! Drink plenty of water, it helps flush your system out so you will crave less :) When you have a moment of weakness think of your boys! :) and eat chocolate ;)

The Mancilla Family said...

Very inspirational! Keep up the great work!!!

Anonymous said...

I love this story. I haven't smoked in 25 years! (I was going to put that into days, but I don't have a calculator and my brain is too feeble to do that math.) It is not easy, but well worth the effort. Changing routines helped me - drinking hot tea instead of coffee and a cigarette in the morning for example - and keeping your hands busy. - Jan

Ingunn said...

That's awesome, Allison!